The following is a telling of an epic tale. For three nights in March 2011, a hardy and some say foolish band of players undertook a massive task. They took to the boards, to play out the ill-fated journey of the Majestic Lines Trans - Luna Dirigible Expedition vessel, the Olympia. As always, the names of the players have been changed, mainly to protect the writer from retribution and to ensure the sanctity and mystery of the game. Also, my mutant honey badger was kidnapped before the night, and will only be returned upon completion of this story....heathens. Nevertheless, we enter a world that never was, and I will take you on a voyage to a time in the far past of our near future. A time when mad science is religion, and Queen Victoria rules her subjects with an iron fist, from within a prison of her own making. Sit back and enjoy the ride, it’s going to get bumpy, and some may never return......

Gentle reader, I, Viceroy Octavius von Gilgamesh greet you, and trust that you are sitting in comfort. I suggest that you ask you manservant to fetch you a large glass of fine French brandy, preferable aged for 18 years, and to ensure that the fire is well stoked. The following missive was located a few days ago, floating in deep space, far from the well travelled lanes of the Aethersphere. The valiant crew of the Ophelia, rescued the capsule from the cold void, and rushed it to the Science Academy at New Transylvania. Locked within a message capsule, and written in a leather bound parchment journal it was brought to my laboratory, as it was written in a manner and language that baffled many of the greatest scholars...using the term loosely of course, of our time. A quick perusal of the missive revealed a great and tragic story, untold until now.

The missive, written by the greatest of playwrights, Mr Oscar Wilde, was a poem, written on his last night on the mortal coil. It is a tale of tragedy and triumph, of heroic deeds, and foul underhandedness. But mostly it is about scones and tea. I can only hope that my translation of his epic tome will do justice to his tale. And if not...well, there is always the doomsday device to cajole my detractors.

On a sun dabbled evening
With the heights a - wuthering
and the raven a - quothing
We intrepid few, set out
On a journey of a lifetime
To seek a new life
Or to set in motion
Our nefarious plans

82 men on a luna dirigible
Quit the field at New London
28,000 tons of tea
On a cold November day
800 feet and 10 more long
80 feet across
The cold plains of the moon
Our destination through the void

Many had come from across the world
Scholars and poets
Courtesans and wardens
All of us with a mission to fulfill,
Tea to drink, and scones to eat
The ministry of truth had made their presence felt
Captured prisoners had been brought aboard
And even the Selinite envoy Mis Reilly had a place on the ship

The guests were many and varied, rougues and villains all
Lt Moss was in attendanceas an escort the prisoners.
He was well know as the public face of the Military since Capt Bigglesworth’s death
Escort the prisoners he did indeed, and a vile bunch they were
The Royal Science Academy had chartered a ride, all had come along
They were there to be present for the unveiling of Professor Babbage’s new device
Named the “Prospectus-neurologica-Aether Teuthid”
A roll call of greatest, never seen before outside of the Empire

Prof. Babbage, Celebrated Guest of the Biological Augmentation division
Prof. Beatrix Potter, had come along from the Botanical Chemistry division
Prof. Bryon, Mechatronic and Robotic Augmentation division
Profs. Curie, Monroe, and Rutherford bringing their expertise from the Aether Squid Research division
Prof. Mainspring, Paranormal Weapons division
Prof. Rotwang, and expert form the Neural Networks Research division of Germania
Prof. Tesla, Advanced Weaponry division
Alice Carroll, Apothecary and famous author of “Fear and Loathing in the Centre of the World”

Mr. Baulderstone, a lucky sod to have won a trip with Miss Velvet, a celebrated singer
Lord Brown, and Lady Scarlett, casting dewy eyed looks at each other
Lady Chatterly, was there to show off her fine automaton
Lady Gallowstone-Gordon, had nothing bad horrible things to say about the tea
The Governors Fate and Powell, added much needed class
Sir Haggard, the celebrated explorer and first man on the moon
Lady Scarlett the dirigibles owner, with the charming Miss Dandelion, her “research” assistant

Miss Irene Adler had joined the jape
Dr. Blue, prospecting for investors and possibly a wife
Mr Calvin, drunk and uncouth, but with a fine tale to tell
Miss Chastity, a lady of negotiable affection had many a glace cast her way
Dr. Clockstone, and tiresome and meddlesome journalist
The cottiesh Miss Coxspring a simple maid, with a inteersting secret
Mr. Colpepper a simple tourist, but an annoying member of Sir Haggards fan club
Mr. Copperpot, a Swedish merchant, tinker and brass-monger

The brothers Piranha found their questionable services much in demand
The dastardly Conan Doyle, Head of the Ministry of Truth
Dr Gull, a medical practitioner of high renown
Dr Watt, Independent intelligence operative and highly skilled she was
Miss Emmerson, Journalist and sycophant of the dog Doyle
Miss Fifi, a lady of negotiable affection and deadly charm
Dr. Green, Medical Professional and part time quack
Mr. Hatchett, a mecenary looking for a change of pace

Master Hobbes and miner and teller of tales
Count Huntington-Smythe, Head of Ministry of Truth Field Operations
Bishop Billingsgate, Clergyman of the Steamchurch with a secret to hide
Miss Lace, a lady of negotiable affection and dubious virtue
Lady Burton had joinf to study the habitys of the Selenites
Madame Lash a difference engine consultant extraodinaire with her bodygaurd Lord Grayfriar
Miss March, famous for who her father was, a swaning socialite
Mr. Winterbotton, amateur scientist and total bore, with a silly moustache

Sharazian Pink a Spiritualist and rival for the Lady Zozuska
Prof, Hellsing, Illegal Selenite disposals and containment expert
Sergt, Flintlock, ex-Navy, with many a tall tale to while away the hours
Lady Tabitha Wellspring, Maid looking for a mistress
Miss Twister, an orphan of no fixed address
Von Hammersmark, Diplomatic Envoy to Lunar colonies
Mr Murdoch the Chief Officer kept things running smooth
While Lt Lighttoller and Engineer Sprocket followed his every order

It was a gathering of the usual rouges and villains
Rumors and intrigue was the order of the day
Unrest took hold in the lower decks
Debaucherys in the upper
They called for scones, they called for tea
And Count Caliban called for all and sundry
What a delight that man was
Full of mirth and glee.

Warden Haversahm kept her steely gaze
Fixed firmly upon the prisoners
From the United States they came
Charged with heresy and sedition against the Queen
To the lunar colonies they were sent
For re-education and implantation
Thomas Edison their proud and valiant leader
Cut down in his prime, left to die on the deck

Here we come, on the run, our coal fires are burning
Here we come, fife and drum, propellers in the dark
Here we come, on the run, our coal fires are burning
Here we come, fife and drum, under the radar we crept on!

The band played a merry tune to while the hours away
Jeweled Mat (Hartley and Leather), was the moniker they played under
And the haunting melodies enraptured the guest
The members of the Royal Science Academy gathered on the bridge
To test the latest invention of their twisted brains
A steam enhanced space squid brain
Was melded with the ship despite objections from Prof. Frankenstein
To enhance her Majesties great domains

To the chagrin of all aboard
A nullification field was generated
To prevent those without scruples or morals
Using their weaponry to thier own devious agenda’s
Messages flowed thick and fast
Assignations sought and meetings held
Deeds were done, and whispers exchanged
And still the band played on

An urgent tone sounded from the captains desk
Coming from the cold depths of space
Jeeves jumped from his seat, shouting “The scones, they are done”
An anomaly had been detected and needed an investigation
Two intrepid souls, donned the masks of air
And ventured into the stygian abysss, with 5 strong men on belay
They grappled with a fearsome, yet comatose squidling
And having subdued the fearsome creature returned on board

 A hue and cry was raised, as consternation reigned
From stem to stern a cry went out, for a true doctor to step forth
The crew covered the floor while a autopsy table was arranged
But why o why did they use the dining table
Dr Heckle entered from his damp and dank lair, beneath the deck
His assistants Lord Cleaverhook and Lady Burtontook their places, and donned their white gowns
The tools were readied, the table steadied
And the first cut, deep and true was made

A foul stench filled the air, men gagged and ladies swooned
Green ichor, pooled on the floor, raising steam in the chill air
Elbow deep into the orifice, the assistants went
Fearing neither smell of blood
It brought to mind my days in Paris, and of the friendships made there
An object was retrieved, and rushed to the wheelhouse
A message pod from a doomed ship, thier last words
It was broadcast for all to hear, and terrible tale for sure.

The Titan she was called, and all hands were lost
Attacked by a shoal of squid, with no hope of rescue
Her captain, was a brave and stoic soul
Sent the message to warn us all, at the peril of his own life
His sacrifice must be remembered, as well as his snappy dress sense
But the worse was yet to come, for the valiant Olympia.
For like the mythical Thunder Child, a moment of triumph
Was shortly turned into disaster, for all aboard the frail vessel.

As the ruined remains of the squidling were removed.
And Jeeves cleaned to floor, with much cursing and muttering
The ship shuddered, and the ship shook
Lights flickered, men gasped, and once more, women swooned
Jevees rushed off to check the tea, his face all a - fluster
The crew rushed to their stations, hammers and wrenches flying

With the power down, and the engines silent
All hell broke loose aboard the vessel
A cry went up through out the ship
“He’s a pirate” was the call, and women swooned
Robur the Terrible had been located, and he had plans of his own.
Guns were drawn, and firing pins cocked
the world slowed down, and time passed slowly
Bullet time had began, and the blood was to flow

A fracas broke out upon the wetherdeck, guns were drawn
A heinous crime had been uncovered, and a man lay dead
His shade, separated from his mortal body, could hold the answer
And a medium was needed, and one stepped forth
Brave Madam Zozuska undertook the task
To commune with the spirit, and lay bare the crime
The crowd drew close, breath baited within their throats
A chill wind passed through them, as the shade drew close.

A body had been found, one of the traitors, his soul lay cold
A bloody shoe print had been unearthed, upon the upward step.
The name of the fiend had to be found, and the vengeful spirit the foil
Madam Zozuska shuddered and shook as she creamed the name “Conan Doyle”
The crowd gathered round gasped, air sucked from their lungs
High pitched laughter broke the silence, a maniac to be sure
The suspect darted to the stern, his black cloak flapping in the wind

The man from the Ministry was found, and his hands tight bound
He was brought before the captain, to face his righteous fate
A drug was given, and answers sought
His face twisted in a parody of humanity he snarled rather than spoke
He was working for the enemy, and passing them plans
A plot had been hatched, and pact with the devil made
To seize power from the just and good
He jumped from his seat, and made a dash for the door

A piercing scream shook the vessel.
And rendered many insensible
Yet throughout it all, through the mayhem and smoke.
Quartermaster Jeeves ensured the tea and scones flowed freely.
The Clockwork Hacker was next to strike
Taking her cue from the chaos on board
She turned the orbital cannon upon its wielder

The news struck us all with unbounded horror
The Queen was dead, and the space pirates had triumphed
Robur the Terrible let out a triumphant laugh
And set free the prisoners
The Science Pirate Nemo, leant the Nautilus to the fray
It seemed as if the Empire had had its day
But then, a cry went up, with unbridled glee
“Long Live the Queen”

To settle our nerves, and clam the hearts
Tea was served, with scones and cream
The musicians played on, stoic and unruffled
A dire warning was given, less than an hours air
The guests wandered about as if in a daze
And the crew, at a loss to repair the vessel
Downed tools, and took up the last of the scones
We all settled down to live out our lives.

As the music drifted out into the night
Our hearts took on the beat, sending it out into the void
A hint of move could be seen, black upon black
Ever closer it came, moving slow, then moving fast
Attracted by the melodies being played out, coming to investigate
A squid fully 80 meters long, looking in at us, and even the women were to ill to swoon
Without power, we were helpless within its grasp
Try as we might, we could not fend it off, and it threw us aside, like so much whatever

At 2 AM on the 2nd
Aethirc eddies were running up to 40 feet
Winds were blowing 60 miles
Our engines crankin' heat
At 3:13 we took a squid
Our wheelhouse left behind
The radar slipped beneath the waves
And we were runnin' blind
Hear me call across the waves
If I don't come home tonight
I will make it home some day

Our captain name of Smith
Seeking shelter from the damage
Turned us south of the aetherspehre
By way of Van Allen Way
But the wind was blowing at such a rate
We ended up drifting north
A wave broke over a knife of rock
Aether Squid Shoal

Olympia she was cut in half
The stern she rammed the bow
The men were caught in metal jaws
Flames burned out of hell
Stern kept running all her lights ablaze
Not one man would be found
Captain's last transmission read
82 men down
82 men down

Hear us call across the void
If we don't come home tonight
We will make it home some day

And we call across the void
If we don't come home tonight
We will make it home some day

Yes, we call across the void
If we don't come home tonight
We will make it home some day